Joseph

I have never been into pretty boys.  Guys who pluck their eyebrows, shave their entire bodies, get highlights, go tanning, etc etc.  I chuckle at and heckle the types with the multiple identity crisis tattoos.  The Native tribal, the Chinese/Japanese characters, the barb wire arm band, a Bible verse with a cross and their family crest in Old English Calligraphy (and their last name doesn't match the name on the crest).  They worry about their weight/physique and work out only to look good.  It's exhausting dating these high maintenance types.  But apparently I still hadn't learned my lesson and somehow Joseph found me.
I happened to be driving by his work and stopped to use the restroom, when he drove in with a mutual friend.  He was able to successfully find me on Facebook and the online stalking began.  I was still getting to know him, and to my surprise was somehow attracted to him through all of his stories about bull riding, jumping through the sunroof of one car into the other while driving down the interstate at 65 miles per hour.  It really turned me on and I knew right then and there I had to have his babies.  No other man's DNA would suffice.  I firmly believe in survival of the fittest, and if he survived jumping through those sunroofs, surely it was a sign. Then he told me about his college football days, the steroids, the 39 concussions, the fame, glory and Friday night lights.  And I knew he was the one.
He was very nice, respectful of women.  He insisted on referring to people by "ma'am" or "sir" more than a South Carolinian military officer.  He had excellent taste in jewelry.  He had coordinating gold chains for every one of his t-shirt that advertised how desperate he was.  "Looking for a serious one night relationship," or "My mom says I'm a catch," type of wardrobe.  Needless to say, he managed to pick out some great jewelry for me.
At some point I realized I need to test this boy's life skills.  He definitely had the video gaming skills mastered, and that in itself I found so astounding, I was flabbergasted at the level of prowess he possessed to making it to the ultra omega level killing aliens.  He definitely made me feel like I had nothing to worry about if the aliens every even tried to come near me.  Also he could definitely supply us with a surplus of big, fat aliens to eat, if times got rough.  Overall I just felt so safe.  I never would have guessed the novelty would begin to wear off.
The problems started happening when I would ask him to help out with the man chores around the house.  I'd be out performing brush disposal around the yard and after an hour had gone by, I'd go looking for him, only to find him in the bathroom with a mint-julep face mask on.  I asked him to cut me some fire wood, and have to give him a lesson on using a chain saw, chopping fire wood and starting a fire.  I thought this was bizarre, considering he worked as a wildland firefighter.  He made comments about how all he had eaten that day was a doughnut, and was afraid to eat anything more because he didn't want to get fat.
Long story short, our relationship came to a screeching halt when I found the skid marks on my loofa.
But at least I got to keep the 46" H 1080 HD flat screen TV.